The Three Pillars of Thriving
— What we’re building toward.
What does it actually take to feel at home in your own life?
Not just to cope, or to manage, or to get through — but to genuinely thrive?
After years of working at the intersection of contemplative practice and modern psychological research, I keep returning to three things. There are so many lists and helpful tools, but at the core of it all, these three pillars keep resurfacing…
But first, a brief detour through Buddhism, because the work is rooted heavily within its tradition, and the number three seems to be a wise amount of bullet points.
A Few Buddhist Threes
In Buddhism, there are a few lists of threes worth knowing.
You may have heard of the Three Jewels (the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha), also known as the Three Refuges, the places in which we can put our hearts and trust.
The Buddha represents the teacher — a real human being who shows us what is possible for ourselves and humankind.
The Dharma is the body of teachings and practices — specific instructions on how to walk the path of a clear mind and a pure heart, here and now.
And the Sangha, sometimes called the most important jewel — our community of fellow practitioners. Other modern, striving beings who are committed to evolving their way of life.
The second is the Three Marks of Existence: impermanence, suffering, and not-self. Three core realities that, once genuinely understood, begin to loosen the grip of everything we've been holding too tightly.
The reality of impermanence reminds us that everything is constantly changing: growing, evolving, transforming, decomposing. We can see this truth when we consider our relationships, our bodies, and even our sense of who we are. We can see it in political systems, entire countries and civilizations that have come and gone, and especially in the cycles of nature all around us. Everything is subject to change, and if we resist this truth or try to hold onto anything as ‘permanent’, we suffer.
That is related to the second assertion — we suffer, and it is a natural part of life. If we are born into this world, we will inevitably sometimes experience suffering. Physical pain, aging, sickness, losing our loved ones, disappointment and loss, being separated from what brings us pleasure, the suffering of craving, and the suffering of attaching and clinging to certain ideas, things, or people. There are ways that we can more wisely relate to natural suffering without additional self-created suffering — thoughts like,
“Why me?”,
“This shouldn’t be happening,”
“I don’t deserve this,”
“I don’t like/want this.”
The truth of reality is, suffering exists sometimes, and trying to deny the fact makes us suffer more.
The third and final reality is not-self, which is an understanding that nothing exists independently. We can easily see how this is true. We could not exist without our mother and father. We depend on the farmers and cooks who have ever prepared the foods that keep our body alive. We would not be the same without all of the teachers and caretakers who have helped us along our path. And, perhaps more illusively, there is also no fixed, permanent ‘self’ that we can find when we look deeply within.
The Three Pillars of Thriving
These three pillars are required for the work of life satisfaction and personal thriving.
Life is rarely concrete or fully generalizable. And these pillars assume some foundation of safety, security, and support — conditions that matter, and that not everyone has equal access to. Holding that, here is what I have found to be most true.
These three pillars are drawn from my broader MERITS framework— a more comprehensive model used across my coaching and psychoeducation work. But these three have proven again and again to be where lasting, meaningful change actually begins.
As always, my work is grounded in contemplative science and modern psychology, pulling from neuroscience, psychotherapeutic insights, and relevant discussions in the field, supplemented by Buddhist wisdom and philosophy, and then translated into a modality appropriate for the non-clinical coaching relationship. So, where do we begin?
Self-Relationship
The first pillar is how we relate to ourselves — the tone of our inner dialogue, our capacity for self-compassion, our willingness toward honest self-inquiry. It encompasses self-knowledge, self-trust, self-soothing, and the inner environment we are constantly constructing. How we speak to ourselves shapes everything. It is the foundation beneath the foundation. And since we often pick it up from early caregivers, peers, or outside influence, it often needs to be reformatted.
Values and Meaningful Purpose
The second pillar is knowing what matters most to you. Values act as a compass — they frame perspective, guide decisions, and give context to a life. When we get clear on what we most deeply value, the whole map of our life orients more effortlessly. We stop drifting and start knowing. They might include our relationships, our spiritual life, our sense of security, or our contribution to something larger than ourselves. Purpose stops feeling like something we need to find ‘out there’ and begins to feel like something we remember from within.
Aligned Action
The third pillar is where it all becomes real. Aligned action means making choices that reflect your values and nourish a healthy relationship with yourself. When how we live matches what we believe and who we are trying to become, we experience something rare: authenticity, inner ease, and the quiet satisfaction of a life that feels genuinely ours. It is the only foundation for self-trust.
How Coaching Helps
In our 1:1 coaching sessions, we explore all three pillars as a personalized journey. It’s really as unique as your own fingerprint.
The most beautiful secret is this: everything you need is already inside you. This work is simply a process of discovering, uncovering, and remembering how to feel at home within yourself, and how to return to what matters most.
Together, we will take stock of your current inner landscape, identify what is ready to be nourished, and create a clear path toward living in greater authenticity and alignment.
If you're ready to begin, I'd be honored to support your journey.
Book a complimentary consultation call here, anytime.
With Compassion & Care,
Katie
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Sample Related Research & Theoretical Roots
Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer — Self-Compassion and Mindful Self-Compassion
Viktor Frankl — Logotherapy & Meaning-Making
Steven Hayes, Kelly Wilson & Kirk Strosahl — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): process and practice of mindful change; values, psychological flexibility, committed action
Aaron Beck — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): thoughts, emotions, behaviors and change
Liz Roemer & Susan Orsillo — Acceptance-Based Behavioral Therapy (ABBT): values-based living
Carl Jung — Individuation and authenticity as the highest privilege of self-knowledge
Abraham Maslow — Hierarchy of Needs & Self-Actualization (later: self-transcendence)
Martin Seligman — Positive Psychology, Flourishing, & PERMA Model
Edward Deci & Richard Ryan — Self-Determination Theory: autonomy, competence, and relatedness
Carol Ryff — Eudaimonic Well-Being (self-acceptance, autonomy, personal growth, environmental mastery, positive relations, purpose in life)
Charles Carver & Michael Scheier — Self-Regulation & Goal Pursuit (feedback loops, aligned action)
Shalom Schwartz — Theory of Universal Values, values clarification work
Jeffrey Schwartz — Self-Directed Neuroplasticity: mindfulness and intentional practices to rewire the brain
Rick Hanson — Mindful Cultivation
Roy Baumeister, Kathleen Vohs, Jennifer Aaker & Emily Garbinsky — Happiness vs. Meaning
