The Three Pillars of Thriving
Three seems to be the magic number. In fact, I remember singing a song about it during our middle school musical School House Rock:
“Three, is a magic number…” And yes it is.
Other Buddhist Lists of Three
In Buddhism, there are a few lists of three. You may have heard of the Three Jewels (the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha), also known as the Three Refuges — places in which we can put our hearts and trust.
The Buddha represents the teacher — a human being who shows us what is possible for humankind.
The Dharma is the body of teachings and practices — specific instructions on the path to awakening, here and now.
And the Sangha, sometimes called the most important jewel — our community of fellow practitioners. Other living, striving beings who are committed to evolving their minds, hearts, and ways of life.
There is also the set of Three Marks of Existence, or three core assertions that make Buddhism what it is. These are the realities of impermanence, suffering, and not-self.
The reality of impermanence reminds us that everything is constantly changing: growing, evolving, transforming, decomposing. We can see this truth when we consider our relationships, our bodies, and even our sense of who we are. We can see it in political systems, entire countries and civilizations that have come and gone, and especially in the cycles of nature all around us. Everything is subject to change, and if we resist this truth or try to hold onto anything as ‘permanent’, we suffer.
That is related to the second assertion — we suffer, and it is a natural part of life. If we are born into this world, we will inevitably sometimes experience suffering. Physical pain, aging, sickness, losing our loved ones, disappointment and loss, being separated from what brings us pleasure, the suffering of craving, and the suffering of attaching and clinging to certain ideas, things, or people. There are ways that we can more wisely relate to natural suffering without additional self-created suffering — thoughts like, “This shouldn’t be happening to me,” “I don’t deserve this,” “I don’t like/want this,” etc. The truth of reality is, suffering exists sometimes, and trying to deny the fact makes us suffer more.
The third and final reality is not-self, which is an understanding that nothing exists independently. We can easily see how this is true. We could not exist without our mother and father. We depend on the farmers and cooks who have ever prepared the foods that keep our body alive. We would not be the same without all of the teachers and caretakers who have helped us along our path. And, perhaps more illusively, there is also no fixed, permanent ‘self’ that we can find when we look deeply within and courageously contemplate what is there.
The Three Pillars of Thriving
I am now going to propose three pillars required for the work of life satisfaction and personal thriving.
This is not a finite list, as little in this world is ever concrete or completely generalizable. And there are some caveats to be made, such as the fact that safety, security, and community support should ideally be present, while many additional, oppressive factors should ideally be absent. Considering those conditions, these pillars offer a roadmap for meaningful change.
I want to start by make a connection to my frequently referenced model, MERITS, which outlines specific concepts, factors, and skills for developing and enhancing a life of holistic wellbeing. The MERITS model is a much more comprehensive framework used in coaching and psychoeducation. The Three Pillars of Thriving are concepts also found within the MERITS model, but which have been identified as being most effective for placing our attention and making lasting, beneficial change.
As always, my work is grounded in contemplative science and modern psychology, pulling from neuroscience, psychotherapeutic insights, and relevant discussions in the field, supplemented by Buddhist wisdom and philosophy, and then translated into a modality appropriate for the non-clinical coaching relationship. So, all that said, where do we begin?
Self-Relationship:
The first pillar of self-relationship asserts the importance of how we speak, feel, and behave towards ourselves. This includes the tone and quality of our inner dialogue, our capacity for self-compassion, caring for our ‘future self’, a willingness towards self-inquiry, and a variety of other ‘self-’ factors such as: self-knowledge, self-respect, self-trust, self-esteem, self-soothing, and self-kindness. It encompasses everything regarding how we relate to our inner world and the inner environment we intentionally construct.Values & Meaningful Purpose:
The second pillar in the work of thriving is to know and clarify our set of personal values. Understanding what matters most helps us orient in the wider world. Values act as a compass: they frame perspective, guide decisions, and give context to our lives. We may agree that a variety of values ultimately matter (courage, collaboration, growth), but it can be helpful to evaluate what makes life most meaningful, for you. By distinguishing our most important values, we approach a deeper sense of purpose and understanding of how our lives fit into a greater whole.Aligned Action:
Aligned action is about putting it all together and walking the walk. It means making choices that reflect our values and nourish a positive self-relationship. Our work, outer relationships, and everyday moments then become mirrors to help us see with more honest clarity and choose how we want to respond. When our behaviors align with self-care and what we most value, we experience authenticity, fewer regrets, greater self-trust, and inner ease. Aligned action is what makes the satisfaction come alive.
How Coaching Helps
In mind-heart coaching, we explore all three pillars as a personalized journey toward thriving. It is a highly individual process, as unique as our own fingerprint.
The most beautiful and revolutionary secret is this: all of the seeds and possibilities are already inside you. It is simply a journey of discovering, uncovering, and remembering how to feel at home within ourselves, and how to come back to what matters most.
Together, we will:
Take stock of your current inner landscape
Identify which inner gems are ready to be polished
Nourish the seeds of potential waiting to emerge
Create a blueprint for living in authenticity and alignment
If you are ready to deepen your self-inquiry, build resilience, and move towards your highest potential, I would be honored to support your journey.
Book a complementary consultation call here, anytime.
With Compassion & Care,
Katie
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Sample Related Research & Theoretical Roots
Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer — Self-Compassion and Mindful Self-Compassion
Viktor Frankl — Logotherapy & Meaning-Making
Steven Hayes, Kelly Wilson & Kirk Strosahl — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): process and practice of mindful change; values, psychological flexibility, committed action
Aaron Beck — Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): thoughts, emotions, behaviors and change
Liz Roemer & Susan Orsillo — Acceptance-Based Behavioral Therapy (ABBT): values-based living
Carl Jung — Individuation and authenticity as the highest privilege of self-knowledge
Abraham Maslow — Hierarchy of Needs & Self-Actualization (later: self-transcendence)
Martin Seligman — Positive Psychology, Flourishing, & PERMA Model
Edward Deci & Richard Ryan — Self-Determination Theory: autonomy, competence, and relatedness
Carol Ryff — Eudaimonic Well-Being (self-acceptance, autonomy, personal growth, environmental mastery, positive relations, purpose in life)
Charles Carver & Michael Scheier — Self-Regulation & Goal Pursuit (feedback loops, aligned action)
Shalom Schwartz — Theory of Universal Values, values clarification work
Jeffrey Schwartz — Self-Directed Neuroplasticity: mindfulness and intentional practices to rewire the brain
Rick Hanson — Mindful Cultivation
Roy Baumeister, Kathleen Vohs, Jennifer Aaker & Emily Garbinsky — Happiness vs. Meaning
